Ever have one of THOSE day???
- I just feel like an animal licking her wounds…emotional and physical! After a pretty good start at rehab before last July, I was devastated when my husband shot himself (while with his girlfriend) while I was at a quilting convention with my sister. That whole incident I am finding difficult to put behind me.
- My day used to be going to the gym for 2 hours, then teaching dance classes or taking classes myself. Now.. I can’t really do either! I have no shortage of projects that I can do…but it has been difficult to find that passion that made me excited to get out of bed each morning.
- Somehow…I expected my life to be different by now! I guess that I just needed a day to rethink my situation….hmmmmm. I doubt that my good fairy will drop in to boink me on the head and make life perfect again…SO..I better set some revised goals for myself. I refuse to give up yet….just needed to take a step back and re access my physical situation. Maybe, if I get all that improving…my mental status will get back to normal
Forgiveness...and other 4 letter words..
- Is it just me…or is forgiveness one of the most difficult things???? I am really trying hard to forgive BUT.. not FORGET the wrongs that I feel have occurred in my life. I tend to forget pretty easily…but the REAL forgiving part sometimes eludes me! ESPECIALLY when it involves someone that I loved or trusted and was mistreated by. I have gotten through 2 highly abusive relationships…but, find myself carrying SO much baggage from this personal history that I can’t move on with my usual enthusiasm.
- Why do I make the same choices…or unconsciously seem to seek out the same type of people to involve myself with???? You’d think that broken nose and being on the receiving end of an attempted murder court case would have made me give up on EVER finding a normal, happy relationship! But no…I keep trying…and shitty things keep happening! Big surprise!!! So…maybe for the new year I should try to put ALL that emotional baggage behind me….really forgive the assholes that didn’t deserve me in the first 10 places and look for something TOTALLY new! Really…how much worse could it be???
I Am Feeling Down...
- …I find myself this morning feeling REALLY down. This is a common occurrence after the holidays with me. I believe that EVERYTHING should be handmade…which means a flurry of crazy crafting and baking. Then, my daughter’s birthday is the 3rd….so more festivities. After that……nothing..for a couple of weeks. Then, I have a bi-yearly quilting convention with my sister. I LIKE to be busy!!! I guess when I have down time, I have WAY too much time to access the shortfalls of my “life”.
- Sitting with a couple of girlfriends yesterday a couple of times while talking about our kids, dogs, families, etc. I remember saying a couple of times “I am so jealous of you guys!” They both have these amazing husbands that would do anything for them. I don’t!!! Nothing that I do is going to change that. The only good thing about my marriage is having my kids!! So, I wouldn’t take that back for anything. But, sometimes it would be nice to have a friend that I KNEW had my back. I don’t even care about romance really….it’s nice, but in the long run I don’t think that it has ever been a high priority with me!
- So…maybe it IS my fault! I like to be alone… I can’t wait to move back to the cabin. Last year, with this GOD awful back surgery I was forced to stay in Calimesa. I remember waking up in the hospital (DON’T ever go to San Antonio in Rancho!!!)…in SO much pain…which just continued for 3 agonizing days! I finally just checked myself out early and came home. I actually thought for a couple of months that maybe we could work out our problems. Well, let’s just say that being faithful had never been my husband’s strong point……and eventually that was brought to my attention again.
- So…I guess between that realization and the year of pain and unhappiness it is no wonder that I feel down right now. I have decided to devote every day to getting back to dancing, riding, my art, teaching….but it is much harder then I thought. I have never been one to do ANYTHING halfway….but I find myself constantly moderating myself. I HATE IT!!!!! I WILL NOT be dragged down by negative people or thoughts. It is a daily struggle!! Life is short…and I need to start putting my needs first. My kids are grown..and SHOULD be adults. It should be MY time to concentrate on what I want…and stop postponing my dreams.
- But…waking up in real pain again was a surprise! I guess that I irritated a nerve or ???? I just have to realize that there will be setbacks…and not to give up. But, having to take meds means that I won’t be able to drive out to Hemet this morning to look at a new stable(not worth getting in an accident!) I am SO excited about getting back to riding…and this stable looks AMAZING!!!!! JJ (my Arabian gelding) is FAR too talented to just be standing…it’s not fair to him!!!
- So…I am having a tough morning. But, look how much good is in my life! I have great girls…great friends…adorable animals…. not so bad really! I just have to not get stuck on the little setbacks that are bound to occur. Life goes on…I am sure by the end of the year I will look back and this will all be a vague memory. I do not regret the surgery…eventually I will be back to feeling like myself again. Until then, I need to put myself above the pettiness that goes on every day and rise above people that have proven NOT to have my best interests at heart. Saying good-bye to an old life is sometimes sad….but….what might the future bring??? Now THAT is exciting!!
“It is not the experience of today that drives us mad; it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring” —(via edeniadancer)
- As a general rule, I DON’T believe in New Years resolutions!! They don’t work…because there are too many expectations placed on them. I admit , I do have a few “thoughts”…to get healthier, to get more active, to do things that give me REAL joy, to read a book per week, to be kind to people…EVEN if they aren’t kind to me, to get back to my art….OK..enough for now!
- I am always amazed at the amount of people that fill the gym in Jan. but if you just wait a month, they have disappeared! It just didn’t happen fast enough to make them feel like they had made a difference in their life! And yet, there is that brain injured girl that is there EVERY day….and the “Silver Sneakers” classes are full. We, as Americans are a “right now” society! As a self proclaimed “gym rat”…I DIDN’T love it at first! It took a few months…wandering around and trying out different equipment…and then…the weight room!!! I was terrified of getting in some big, burly guys way that I was so nervous. But gradually..I learned to love the simple accomplishment of “being there.” So what if I didn’t know everything about free weights…I learned! And, found out that MOST guys were pretty nice…and willing to help.
- So..after a year of staying out of the gym to let my back fusion heal before I stressed it and leaving all my teaching positions I think that I am mentally ready to resume my “normal” life. The healing time for my type of surgery is 1 yr-18 months…so I am not even closed to that healing time. But, I can’t keep avoiding activities that scare me. Let me step back a moment and explain, back surgery was THE most horrific surgery that you could imagine. I really had no choice….my spinal canal was so compromised that I was losing the feeling in my left leg. I had a stress fracture of a vertebrae, which if left untreated could cause paralysis. So…I STOPPED looking online for all the “horror stories” and just did it! A word of caution….be VERY prepared for this type of surgery. I actually checked myself out of the hospital 2 days early because i wanted to die at home (OK…I was not thinking totally clearly)…but that was they way that I felt! I could walk a few steps..with a…..walker!!! How did this happen? I was a dancer!!! Didn’t they know this???
- So, I am proud to report feeling much better. I still have bad days, but don’t we all! I am just SO darn grateful for the dramatic drop in pain! And, even though I run the chance of instability in the rest of my spine due to the fusion (it is CRAZY to see the x-ray of all the hardware that will stay in my back)…but after researching “after stories” I have found that people go back to their life of choice! I mean…really! What was the point of this entire year if not to return to the activities that complete my life! So…back to tennis, racquetball, the gym, horseback riding, and dancing (although all my doctors just looked shocked when I suggest this.)
- And, gardening…which I miss more then almost anything else. Just being outside changes my outlook! I fond that depression is highly probable after back surgery and it really hit me hard. Feeling the sun on my face…the dirt in my hands…it is like a form of worship for all the wonders in this world of beauty! Don’t get me wrong I still park my butt in bed for a “Law and Order” marathon….but…as resolutions go, just getting back out there without fear is my “resolution.” And, if I fall off the wagon…I will still love myself…because if I don’t, no one else will!
"So..what nationality are you???"
- I have been asked this question a million times. With a last name like “Acuna,” I felt that even though I grew up with parents straight from Kansas, it was my job to give my kids a multi-cultural upbringing. So..I learned to cook mexican favorites (mine too!) Then, I felt that they should get a bit of MY background …so I put all my kids into competitive Irish dancing!! And, as an “homage” to my adoptive parents…I learned to bake like a farm girl.
- As the kids grew up, I developed a love…OK, an OBSESSION for Belly Dance!! As I graduated from “baby” dancer to one with some proficiency, I began to explore the Middle Eastern culture. I LOVED it!!! And, then I saw an East Indian dance performance. I was in AWE! This tiny dancer with a whole set of live musicians danced what was her “coming out” dance! It went on for 2 hours (maybe more)….and it was SO athletic!!! So, I did the ONLY thing that I could….I found a class. But, this class was at a Hindu temple…and my fellow dancers average age was about 7!
- Then, I was hired as the primary dancer for a wonderful little place in Palm Desert called “The Olympia.” I learned SO much about being a professional dancer there. With live musicians (from Greece..no less) I was in heaven!! Sure, there were a few forgettable nights…but for the most part people were amazing!! I was hired to dance at the Ren. Faire during those years…and was dancing and doing henna jobs for a great event producer.Talk about crazy!!!!
- And, sadly…I remember 911. Watching it happen on TV, in shock! And, what happened afterward. No one wanted to hire ANYTHING involved with the Arabic culture. I became sadly resolved..jobs were suddenly gone. Wonderful restaurants closed down. In general, all dancers took a break! Slowly, after a year or maybe more…people seemed to realize that these events were caused by a few really BAD people..not the entire Middle East. Slowly, events started happening again….but it really took a long time for me to feel comfortable performing….
- Now, even though we are still involved with this horrific war, events are becoming popular again..and my classes are full (funny…they were always full, go figure!) In this very multi-cultural land in which we live it is gratifying to see that we, in general, are a forgiving bunch!!! I am so proud to be an American and have the privilege to pursue whatever interest strikes my fancy!!! And, who knows what may be next???? I have been drawn to tango lately….too bad you need a partner!!!
Happy New Year!!!
- I have been thinking….WHAT do I want to do with myself in the year 2011?? I have always set goals for myself..some a bit lofty! So, realistically WHAT do I want to accomplish at this point in my life that I haven’t already done? Well, I would love to make getting back into AMAZING shape as my 1st priority. I have been in pretty good shape for the last 10 years (having to be seen in public in a belly dance outfit is BIG motivation for sure.) But, with all the physical limitations caused by this year’s back surgery it has been really tough to go to the gym. But, honestly some of that is just feeling sorry for myself.
- I feel like I have lost my “power” as weird as that might sound. Working out gives me a feeling of strength…of almost aggression that I NEED! I am such a passive person by nature that finding this feeling almost of testosterone is such a high…that I became addicted to it. Even if I was dragging..I would pull into the gym..grab my bag..go in and put on my gloves and Ipod and the world outside just disappeared if only for an hour or two!
- So..it is just a matter of re programing my mind into thinking of the positive aspects of getting into a routine again…not how much I would rather just put it off for one more day. And, back strength means being comfortable dancing again! I used to be fearless when it came to dance! I would take ANY class, all kinds of new disciplines, never letting my feelings of being self conscious stop me. Maybe this year I will be strong enough again to learn to tango! Or, just to get back to class consistently! And to get my studio in working order and USE it!!!
“Just dance!” —Martha Graham