I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking lady.

Via someecards

I dare u….try not dancing to this!!!!!

•                  I just feel like an animal licking her wounds…emotional and physical! After a pretty good start at rehab before last July, I was devastated when my husband shot himself (while with his girlfriend) while I was at a quilting convention with my sister. That whole incident I am finding difficult to put behind me.
•                  My day used to be going to the gym for 2 hours, then teaching dance classes or taking classes myself. Now.. I can’t really do either! I have no shortage of projects that I can do…but it has been difficult to find that passion that made me excited to get out of bed each morning.

•                   Somehow…I expected my life to be different by now! I guess that I just needed a day to rethink my situation….hmmmmm. I doubt that my good fairy will drop in to boink me on the head and make life perfect again…SO..I better set some revised goals for myself. I refuse to give up yet….just needed to take a step back and re access my physical situation. Maybe, if I get all that improving…my mental status will get back to normal

•                  Is it just me…or is forgiveness one of the most difficult things???? I am really trying hard to forgive BUT.. not FORGET the wrongs that I feel have occurred in my life. I tend to forget pretty easily…but the REAL forgiving part sometimes eludes me! ESPECIALLY when it involves someone that I loved or trusted and was mistreated by. I have gotten through 2 highly abusive relationships…but, find myself carrying SO much baggage from this personal history that I can’t move on with my usual enthusiasm.
•                  Why do I make the same choices…or unconsciously seem to seek out the same type of people to involve myself with???? You’d think that broken nose and being on the receiving end of an attempted murder court case would have made me give up on EVER finding a normal, happy relationship! But no…I keep trying…and shitty things keep happening! Big surprise!!! So…maybe for the new year I should try to put ALL that emotional baggage behind me….really forgive the assholes that didn’t deserve me in the first 10 places and look for something TOTALLY new! Really…how much worse could it be???

•             …I find myself this morning feeling REALLY down. This is a common occurrence after the holidays with me. I believe that EVERYTHING should be handmade…which means a flurry of crazy crafting and baking. Then, my daughter’s birthday is the 3rd….so more festivities. After that……nothing..for a couple of weeks. Then, I have a bi-yearly quilting convention with my sister. I LIKE to be busy!!! I guess when I have down time, I have WAY too much time to access the shortfalls of my “life”.

•                Sitting with a couple of girlfriends yesterday a couple of times while talking about our kids, dogs, families, etc. I remember saying a couple of times “I am so jealous of you guys!” They both have these amazing husbands that would do anything for them. I don’t!!! Nothing that I do is going to change that. The only good thing about my marriage is having my kids!! So, I wouldn’t take that back for anything. But, sometimes it would be nice to have a friend that I KNEW had my back. I don’t even care about romance really….it’s nice, but in the long run I don’t think that it has ever been a high priority with me!                                                   

•                So…maybe it IS my fault! I like to be alone… I can’t wait to move back to the cabin. Last year, with this GOD awful back surgery I was forced to stay in Calimesa. I remember waking up in the hospital (DON’T ever go to San Antonio in Rancho!!!)…in SO much pain…which just continued for 3 agonizing days! I finally just checked myself out early and came home. I actually thought for a couple of months that maybe we could work out our problems. Well, let’s just say that being faithful had never been my husband’s strong point……and eventually that was brought to my attention again.

•             So…I guess between that realization and the year of pain and unhappiness it is no wonder that I feel down right now. I have decided to devote every day to getting back to dancing, riding, my art, teaching….but it is much harder then I thought. I have never been one to do ANYTHING halfway….but I find myself constantly moderating myself. I HATE IT!!!!! I WILL NOT be dragged down by negative people or thoughts. It is a daily struggle!! Life is short…and I need to start putting my needs first. My kids are grown..and SHOULD be adults. It should be MY time to concentrate on what I want…and stop postponing my dreams.

•             But…waking up in real pain again was a surprise! I guess that I irritated a nerve or ???? I just have to realize that there will be setbacks…and not to give up. But, having to take meds means that I won’t be able to drive out to Hemet this morning to look at a new stable(not worth getting in an accident!) I am SO excited about getting back to riding…and this stable looks AMAZING!!!!! JJ (my Arabian gelding) is FAR too talented to just be standing…it’s not fair to him!!!

•             So…I am having a tough morning. But, look how much good is in my life! I have great girls…great friends…adorable animals…. not so bad really! I just have to not get stuck on the little setbacks that are bound to occur. Life goes on…I am sure by the end of the year I will look back and this will all be a vague memory. I do not regret the surgery…eventually I will be back to feeling like myself again. Until then, I need to put myself above the pettiness that goes on every day and rise above people that have proven NOT to have my best interests at heart. Saying good-bye to an old life is sometimes sad….but….what might the future bring??? Now THAT is exciting!!